Singing with the Lutherans

SINGING WITH THE LUTHERANS
by Garrison Keillor

 

I have made fun of Lutherans for years - who wouldn't, if you lived in Minnesota? But I have also sung with Lutherans and that is one of the main joys of life, along with hot baths and fresh sweet corn. We make fun of Lutherans for their blandness, their excessive calm, their fear of giving offense, their lack of speed and also for their secret fondness for macaroni and cheese. But nobody sings like them. If you ask an audience in New York City, a relatively Lutheranless place, to sing along on the chorus of Michael Row the Boat Ashore, they will look daggers at you as if you had asked them to strip to their underwear. But if you do this among Lutherans they'll smile and row that boat ashore and up on the beach! And down the road!

Lutherans are bred from childhood to sing in four-part harmony. It's a talent that comes from sitting on the lap of someone singing alto or tenor or bass and hearing the harmonic intervals by putting your little head against that person's rib cage. It's natural for Lutherans to sing in harmony. We're too modest to be soloists, too worldly to sing in unison. When you're singing in the key of C and you slide into the A7th and D7th chords, all two hundred of you, it's an emotionally fulfilling moment.

I once sang the bass line of Children of the Heavenly Father in a room with about three thousand Lutherans in it; and when we finished, we all had tears in our eyes, partly from the promise that God will not forsake us, partly from the proximity of all those lovely voices. By our joining in harmony, we somehow promise that we will not forsake each other. I do believe this: People, these Lutherans, who love to sing in four-part harmony, are the sort of people you could call up when you're in deep distress. If you're dying, they'll comfort you. If you're lonely, they'll talk to you. And if you're hungry, they'll give you tuna salad!

The following list was compiled by a 20th century Lutheran who, observing other Lutherans, wrote down exactly what he saw or heard:

1. Lutherans believe in prayer, but would practically die if asked to pray out loud.
2. Lutherans like to sing, except when confronted with a new hymn or a hymn with more than four stanzas.
3. Lutherans believe their pastors will visit them in the hospital, even if they don't notify them that they are there.
4. Lutherans usually follow the official liturgy and will feel it is their way of suffering for their sins.
5. Lutherans believe in miracles and even expect miracles, especially during their stewardship visitation programs or when passing the plate.
6. Lutherans feel that applauding for their children's choirs would make the kids too proud and conceited.
7. Lutherans think that the Bible forbids them from crossing the aisle while passing the peace.
8. Lutherans drink coffee as if it were the Third Sacrament.
9. Some Lutherans still believe that an ELCA bride and an LCMS groom make for a mixed marriage.
10. Lutherans feel guilty for not staying to clean up after their own wedding reception in the Fellowship Hall.
11. Lutherans are willing to pay up to one dollar for a meal at church.
12. Lutherans think that Garrison Keillor stories are totally factual.
13. Lutherans still serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color of the season and think that peas in a tuna noodle casserole add too much color.
14. Lutherans believe that it is OK to poke fun at themselves and never take themselves too seriously.

And finally, you know when you're a Lutheran when:

• It is 100 degrees, with 90% humidity, and you still have coffee after the service.
• You hear something really funny during the sermon and smile as loudly as you can!
• Donuts are a line item in the church budget, just like coffee.
• The communion cabinet is open to all, but the coffee cabinet is locked up tight.
• All your relatives graduated from a school named Concordia.
• When you watch a ‘Star Wars’ movie and they say, “May the Force be with you”, you respond, “and also with you”.
• You actually understand those folks from Lake Wobegon, MN.
• And lastly, it takes ten minutes to say good-bye

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This is as funny today as when Garrison Keillor first collected these musings about Lutherans prior to January of 2005. Some things are still true to this day. Lutherans DO poke fun at themselves, and they DON’T take themselves too seriously. I especially love the part (and know it to be totally true) about Lutherans being “the sort of people you could call up when you're in deep distress. If you're dying, they'll comfort you. If you're lonely, they'll talk to you. And if you're hungry, they'll give you tuna salad!”

Here’s a thought: Why not come sing with us Lutherans? I’ll be looking for you on Sunday!

Your brother in Christ,

Dave

Encountering Grace

I encountered Grace today; what an incredible blessing!

I had just finished up with the Sunday school opening. This morning, I had a lot of ground to cover with the kids. The lesson touched on Jesus’ triumphal entry into Jerusalem, the clearing of the temple, the Last Supper, the Garden of Gethsemane, Judas’ betrayal, and the arrest of Jesus. It was way too much to cover in my allotted 10-15 minutes, so I had to pick my battles. I asked who could tell me about Palm Sunday, and one of the 4th graders gave a description that would have made a Pastor proud. Whew! No need for me to cover that, so I had them repeat the key verse of the day (John 15: 12-13), and then I launched into my story of how Jesus cleared the temple.

I had set up a table in the front with piles and stacks of poker chips. And I explained how the whole money-changing business worked: According to the Temple priests, real money was unacceptable to God, so you had to change your money into temple money… for a slight fee of course. I took out my ancient bull whip, but bits have snapped off over the years, it is half the length it used to be, and it just won’t crack anymore… no matter how hard you try. As a matter of fact, all I succeeded in doing was to whip my backside… to the amusement of all the kids.

I set the whip aside, and picked up a well wrung out, wet dish towel I had borrowed from the kitchen and rolled it into a tight rat-tail. I told the kids how the Bible says that Jesus wove a whip from cords, but that lots of things make for good whips… like the towel. Their laughter at my seemingly ridiculous statement gave way to surprised gasps when I snapped it at the edge of the table and got a loud “CRACK!”

Wide eyes were glued on me as I bellowed the words of Jesus as he overturned the tables of the money changers:

“My house will be called a house of prayer, but you are making it a den of robbers.”
- Matthew 21:13

CRACK… went my whip, and money chips went flying like mini-Frisbees for 30 feet in every direction!

CRACK… went my whip again, and money chips exploded off the table to rain down on all the children!

And then… the chips were everywhere, as I lifted the table by one end, and overturned it by flipping it upside-down!

The kids were surprised that Jesus could become angry. I asked them: “Who was he angry with?”

They replied: “He was angry at the robbers in God’s house.”

In the end, as the children helped pick up the scattered chips, they each got to keep one. We called it temple money, and they kept a piece as a reminder that God doesn’t want us to bring special ‘holy’ money, sacred birds, or blessed offerings when we pray to Him. God only wants our hearts; nothing else is required.

After a prayer, an offering, and a final song, the kids all go off with their teachers to their classrooms to work on the rest of their Sunday school lessons for the day. I had packed up my stuff, and was heading out of the Life Center, when I noticed a man with a little toddler. It looked like he had come from the service, and I began to tell him about the wonderful child care available just at the other end of the building. He smiled, and said that his daughter didn’t want to go into child care… she wanted to be in with her big brother’s first-grade Sunday school class. As a matter of fact, that’s exactly what she voiced (quite loudly, too) as they peered through the glass into his classroom.

I told her that all the Sunday school children got a piece of temple money today, and asked if she’d like a piece, too? She nodded, followed me to my bag of chips, and selected one for her very own. Now she was content to follow me and her Dad back out into the courtyard. There I discovered a bright, articulate, inquisitive, happy, and polite little girl of just 21 months.

This then, is the story of how I encountered Grace.

Mom soon joined us, and immediately wondered why her daughter was clutching a poker chip. I told her about the lesson (but without the dramatic special effects), and she was delighted. As Grace went off with her father in search of a donut, Grace walked up to me, pointed her little finger right at me, and said: “Thank YOU!”

At that instant, a thought washed over me… “This is exactly how we often encounter God’s grace.” Sudden… unexpected… pure… and it fills you with an uncontainable joy!

The little girl was living up to her name. Awesome!

Then another thought struck me… here was a bright, intelligent, and joy-filled girl… worthy of my awesome 2 and a half year old grandson. No betrothal has been announced yet, but… you never know.

Your brother in Christ,

Dave

By the way… here’s a portrait of Grace and her family. Make sure you say “hi” to them on Sunday.

Living under Pharaoh

A few weeks ago, I overheard a snippet of a conversation. I was in front of the Worship Center, on my way to the Life Center to be part of the Sunday school opening. Since I know almost everybody (at least in passing), I often find myself overhearing multiple conversations at once… especially in the hubbub between Sunday services.

The gist of what I heard sounded fairly political, and as I already said, I only heard a tiny portion of the conversation. A command and a question stuck in my head, though. The command: “read Genesis 47.” The question: “Do you think we are in danger of living under Pharaoh right now?” When I got home, I just HAD to open my Bible to Genesis and read Chapter 47.

The condensed version of Genesis 47 is the story of Joseph administering Egypt during the time of the famine. During the 7 years of plenty, Joseph (in the name of Pharaoh) had taxed the people 20% (one fifth) of what they produced. This was stored up in the cities in anticipation of the coming famine. Remember Pharaoh’s dreams? Look in Genesis 41 for the back story. What’s really impressive is the amount that was collected. In Genesis 41:49 the Bible states:

Joseph stored up huge quantities of grain, like the sand of the sea; it was so much that he stopped keeping records because it was beyond measure.

When the famine came it was severe, but Egypt was prepared. As the famine spread over all the land Joseph opened the storehouses and sold grain to the Egyptians. Not only did he sell grain to the Egyptians, but to all the countries, as the famine was severe in the entire world.

Because of the famine, people were buying grain but unable to produce anything, so eventually their money ran out. They came to Joseph and begged him for food, lest they die. Joseph agreed to sell them food in exchange for their livestock. When the livestock was exhausted, the people sold themselves and their land to Pharaoh. Joseph gave them food to eat and grain to plant, and required that 20% of their harvest be returned to Pharaoh. This was the same deal they had during the years of abundance… expect now all the money, livestock, and land belonged to Pharaoh, and all of the people were now living (willingly) in bondage under Pharaoh.

Ok, now on to the question: Are we living under Pharaoh now? I predict (only somewhat jokingly) that many people would welcome paying only 20% in taxes. I’m sure many people would point to Social Security, government bailouts, federal jobs programs, and universal healthcare to make their point that the United States is already living under Pharaoh. I’m not so sure.

I think that the story of Joseph has been replayed over and over throughout history. I bet you can come up with many examples. People end up living under Pharaoh… in bondage to Pharaoh… when they turn away from God and look only to human rulers to save them.

Just substitute government for Pharaoh.

We beg government to bail us out of a financial famine. The government bails out car companies and ends up owning the companies. The government bails out banks and ends up owning the banks. Does that sound familiar?

We see a famine coming at us as we age and can no longer work, so beg government to save us. It taxes us to store up for future years of famine, and then it taxes what it pays out. Sound familiar?

A famine of joblessness sweeps over the land and we beg government to save us. Government creates jobs, and suddenly the people are in bondage to government.

But none of that could possibly happen to us, right? God has warned us of the consequences of living under Pharaoh. Surely we will heed God’s warnings, and not live under Pharaoh.

Who is Pharaoh, anyway? In the original story, he is the ruler of Egypt; a divine entity. His word was law and his every wish was to be carried out without question. Throughout history, kings, emperors, and tyrants have claimed to be divine… or at least claimed a divine right to rule over their subjects. It’s almost too easy for these rulers to get their people to willingly hand themselves over to them and into bondage.

When people turn away from God, and look instead to an earthly king to feed, protect, or save them, they have already turned themselves over to Pharaoh. But Pharaoh hides behind many guises. He goes by many names. Whatever his name, his goal is still the total enslavement of people. Fear, addiction, shame, lust, hatred… does one of these Pharaohs hold you in bondage? Usually, we don’t need to look as far away as the government to find a Pharaoh. Often he finds us; right in our home, our workplace, or even in our churches.

With Easter fast approaching, we need to remember that Christ died to free us from sin and death AND bondage! He’s already paid the terrible price to redeem you. Whatever it was that holds you enslaved to Pharaoh, Jesus has already paid for your release. Look up. Take Christ’s hand and let him lift you out of the slave pit.

Your brother in Christ,

Dave