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Dangerous Belonging
By Pastor Bob Mooney, Messiah Lutheran Church, Yorba Linda, California
I’ve had the ‘Cheers’ opening theme song in my head for a number of weeks now:
“Making your way in the world today takes every thing you’ve got. Taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot. Wouldn’t you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name. And they’re always glad you came. You want to go where people know troubles are all the same. You want to go where everybody knows your name.”
Of course, though the song is referring to a neighborhood bar as the place where “everybody knows your name” actually it should be the description of what it means to belong to the body of Christ.
There is something very appealing about being in a place where you are known and appreciated, where people are glad to see you and you are reminded of the commonality of the human condition. Does that fit anywhere or anything you belong to? Where you do not have to prove yourself to belong, where belonging is the beginning point and you grow from there?
What does that really mean? What is different now? I’ve been pondering the questions, “Who am I?” and “What does it mean to belong?”
Dictionary.com offers three variations to define the word. The first listing says, “To be in the relation of a member”. That is pretty straightforward. The second one says, “To have the proper qualifications, especially social qualification to be a member of a group.” Ah, now we are getting down to the nitty-gritty. The notion of belonging can carry an intimation of exclusion. A person either belongs to a particular group or they don’t. I got thinking of my son’s stories about pledging a fraternity in college. Fraternities would scout out the freshman in search of the right people, the ones they deemed worthy to wear their particular set of Greek letters. Remember that great Groucho Marx quip about membership? He said, “I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.”
That certainly is not how we here at Messiah should find belonging in the family of God.
This brings us to the third variation on Dictionary.com which says that to belong is to “Be properly or appropriately placed”, as in the ‘books belong on the shelf.’ This third definition is the one that most resonates with me. That sense of belonging is like finding yourself at home. I have known many people who described their feelings upon discovering our community here at Messiah in exactly those same terms.
It is also true that many people associate themselves with being Christian but do not belong to any part of the body of Christ. I suspect that some of these people might define themselves as “fiercely independent”. Perhaps they feel like they would have to sacrifice too much of themselves, give up too much of their individuality, to belong to a congregation. I can understand that. Belonging to a group says something about a person’s identity. I think it is important for us to realize there are some things that are healthy for us to belong to and some things that are dangerous to belong to. In fact, if we do not know who we are, or we forget who we are, any group can become dangerous, including the church.
Now it is obvious there are some groups that we say are bad to belong to: the KKK for instance, or being in a gang. We see these as dangerous. Why would people associate with them? The draw is the need to belong… in this gang, I can belong, I can be protected, but in order to get that I have to do something to earn my right to belong. We can also clearly see the fear that goes with this belonging, that if I do not do what they require I am out, or even worse, I might be injured or killed. We clearly see the dangers of that kind of belonging.
Belonging identifies us. It might be dangerous (at least uncomfortable) for a Stanford fan, to belong to a community of USC or UCLA fans. Sometimes it is fear that creates the desire to belong, fear of being alone, fear of not be part of the group, or fear of not being good enough. That usually boils down to, at some level, that we either do not know, or don’t remember, who we are and who we belong to.
It is so easy to talk about how we are overcommitted; that we are too involved in groups and causes. I don’t really think that is the issue. I don’t need to be beat up for good things I am doing or that we are involved in, and the involvement in the church can be equally as dangerous as soccer, scouts, or a lot of other good things. HOW can that be?
Where trying to belong becomes dangerous, is when we are using the group to determine our value or our worth. When I was in high school I was on the wrestling team my freshman year, I was in the 142 weight category and there were 5 other guys in my division, they all had played football, all lifted weights, were all pretty buff for freshman and sophomores, and then there was me. I did not play football, I had never lifted weights, I had never wrestled, and in a group of 6 in my weight division I was rated 9th. I was terrible, and I lived in fear that each day they would discover anew how bad I was. Yes, I know that it can be a good growing experience, it can be a challenge to push yourself to become better, it can also be disheartening, because what I wanted was to belong to this group, and in order to do that I had to be something more than I was. If I could be better, if I could pin someone, if I could lift so much weight… then I had value. I felt I had no value, unless I was a jock. My brother and my dad were pretty good athletes, I figured that was my way to belong. Unless I could rise up above someone else, I was not going to belong. My performance is what would make me belong.
Now honestly, on sports teams, that is not going to change. That does not make that team bad. It is how we understand how that fits into who we are. Wrestling teams can be good things. They teach commitment, dedication, hard work, and team work, among other things.
What can change is my beginning point, my place on the wrestling team will be determined by what I do, by my accomplishments, by my hard work, but it will not be the team that defines who I am.
The same is true of belonging to the church. In fact the church will not be the team that defines who I am; it is where we learn to live out who we are. Who I am, and who I belong to begins for each of us simply with the relationship we have with God. I don’t get to earn that; it is about trusting God to provide for us, it is about believing that we are of great value, and that then motivates us to do and be our best in all things. As a wrestler, a teacher, a soccer player or coach, a Boy Scout or Girl Scout, belonging to any of these groups or professions is not the ultimate definition of who you and I are.
In John 10:10, Jesus says:
Of course, though the song is referring to a neighborhood bar as the place where “everybody knows your name” actually it should be the description of what it means to belong to the body of Christ.
There is something very appealing about being in a place where you are known and appreciated, where people are glad to see you and you are reminded of the commonality of the human condition. Does that fit anywhere or anything you belong to? Where you do not have to prove yourself to belong, where belonging is the beginning point and you grow from there?
What does that really mean? What is different now? I’ve been pondering the questions, “Who am I?” and “What does it mean to belong?”
Dictionary.com offers three variations to define the word. The first listing says, “To be in the relation of a member”. That is pretty straightforward. The second one says, “To have the proper qualifications, especially social qualification to be a member of a group.” Ah, now we are getting down to the nitty-gritty. The notion of belonging can carry an intimation of exclusion. A person either belongs to a particular group or they don’t. I got thinking of my son’s stories about pledging a fraternity in college. Fraternities would scout out the freshman in search of the right people, the ones they deemed worthy to wear their particular set of Greek letters. Remember that great Groucho Marx quip about membership? He said, “I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.”
That certainly is not how we here at Messiah should find belonging in the family of God.
This brings us to the third variation on Dictionary.com which says that to belong is to “Be properly or appropriately placed”, as in the ‘books belong on the shelf.’ This third definition is the one that most resonates with me. That sense of belonging is like finding yourself at home. I have known many people who described their feelings upon discovering our community here at Messiah in exactly those same terms.
It is also true that many people associate themselves with being Christian but do not belong to any part of the body of Christ. I suspect that some of these people might define themselves as “fiercely independent”. Perhaps they feel like they would have to sacrifice too much of themselves, give up too much of their individuality, to belong to a congregation. I can understand that. Belonging to a group says something about a person’s identity. I think it is important for us to realize there are some things that are healthy for us to belong to and some things that are dangerous to belong to. In fact, if we do not know who we are, or we forget who we are, any group can become dangerous, including the church.
Now it is obvious there are some groups that we say are bad to belong to: the KKK for instance, or being in a gang. We see these as dangerous. Why would people associate with them? The draw is the need to belong… in this gang, I can belong, I can be protected, but in order to get that I have to do something to earn my right to belong. We can also clearly see the fear that goes with this belonging, that if I do not do what they require I am out, or even worse, I might be injured or killed. We clearly see the dangers of that kind of belonging.
Belonging identifies us. It might be dangerous (at least uncomfortable) for a Stanford fan, to belong to a community of USC or UCLA fans. Sometimes it is fear that creates the desire to belong, fear of being alone, fear of not be part of the group, or fear of not being good enough. That usually boils down to, at some level, that we either do not know, or don’t remember, who we are and who we belong to.
It is so easy to talk about how we are overcommitted; that we are too involved in groups and causes. I don’t really think that is the issue. I don’t need to be beat up for good things I am doing or that we are involved in, and the involvement in the church can be equally as dangerous as soccer, scouts, or a lot of other good things. HOW can that be?
Where trying to belong becomes dangerous, is when we are using the group to determine our value or our worth. When I was in high school I was on the wrestling team my freshman year, I was in the 142 weight category and there were 5 other guys in my division, they all had played football, all lifted weights, were all pretty buff for freshman and sophomores, and then there was me. I did not play football, I had never lifted weights, I had never wrestled, and in a group of 6 in my weight division I was rated 9th. I was terrible, and I lived in fear that each day they would discover anew how bad I was. Yes, I know that it can be a good growing experience, it can be a challenge to push yourself to become better, it can also be disheartening, because what I wanted was to belong to this group, and in order to do that I had to be something more than I was. If I could be better, if I could pin someone, if I could lift so much weight… then I had value. I felt I had no value, unless I was a jock. My brother and my dad were pretty good athletes, I figured that was my way to belong. Unless I could rise up above someone else, I was not going to belong. My performance is what would make me belong.
Now honestly, on sports teams, that is not going to change. That does not make that team bad. It is how we understand how that fits into who we are. Wrestling teams can be good things. They teach commitment, dedication, hard work, and team work, among other things.
What can change is my beginning point, my place on the wrestling team will be determined by what I do, by my accomplishments, by my hard work, but it will not be the team that defines who I am.
The same is true of belonging to the church. In fact the church will not be the team that defines who I am; it is where we learn to live out who we are. Who I am, and who I belong to begins for each of us simply with the relationship we have with God. I don’t get to earn that; it is about trusting God to provide for us, it is about believing that we are of great value, and that then motivates us to do and be our best in all things. As a wrestler, a teacher, a soccer player or coach, a Boy Scout or Girl Scout, belonging to any of these groups or professions is not the ultimate definition of who you and I are.
In John 10:10, Jesus says:
“I have come that you may have life and have it to the full, and have it abundantly.”
Look at that word LIFE. What would it mean for you? Do you find yourself always trying to prove yourself to the group, have you ever found yourself on the verge of being in a group, or out of a group? Each of those positions fills us with fear.
Think of all things we go through life fearing: we fear not having enough money, we fear being sued, we fear finishing last, we fear losing our job, we fear the spot on our forehead, we fear going to the new school, we fear graduating, we fear not graduating, we fear being alone, we fear being found out, we fear someone will know our weakness or our pain.
And over and over again God tells us: “fear not.” Do not worry, do not be anxious? Sometimes there are storms going on around us and within us, we are afraid someone will notice, and we are afraid. We are afraid we don’t measure up and someone won’t let us in to the group, or on the team. If they knew this about us they would not let us belong. Fear is at the center of our loss of control; we become tense, shorter with people and sometimes do things completely out of character for ourselves. Fear creates this spiritual amnesia and makes us forget who we are and whose we are, and fear makes us believe we don’t belong.
Is there a cure for this fear? Is there any way to know that I belong? The way I understand it, our identity is actually wrapped up in how we see God and experience God. This sense of belonging and our own personal growth is developed and lived out through engagement with one another. Belonging to God does not mean ‘just me and Jesus… and that’s all I need.’ The deep sense of belonging comes from healthy community where this commitment God has made to us is experienced in, and through, the body of Christ. When the body is healthy we realize this is the place we can celebrate with each other our greatest joys and successes, and it is the place we can bring our deepest fears, failures, and sorrows… and be cared for.
We are reminded in Philippians 4:6-9 that,
Think of all things we go through life fearing: we fear not having enough money, we fear being sued, we fear finishing last, we fear losing our job, we fear the spot on our forehead, we fear going to the new school, we fear graduating, we fear not graduating, we fear being alone, we fear being found out, we fear someone will know our weakness or our pain.
And over and over again God tells us: “fear not.” Do not worry, do not be anxious? Sometimes there are storms going on around us and within us, we are afraid someone will notice, and we are afraid. We are afraid we don’t measure up and someone won’t let us in to the group, or on the team. If they knew this about us they would not let us belong. Fear is at the center of our loss of control; we become tense, shorter with people and sometimes do things completely out of character for ourselves. Fear creates this spiritual amnesia and makes us forget who we are and whose we are, and fear makes us believe we don’t belong.
Is there a cure for this fear? Is there any way to know that I belong? The way I understand it, our identity is actually wrapped up in how we see God and experience God. This sense of belonging and our own personal growth is developed and lived out through engagement with one another. Belonging to God does not mean ‘just me and Jesus… and that’s all I need.’ The deep sense of belonging comes from healthy community where this commitment God has made to us is experienced in, and through, the body of Christ. When the body is healthy we realize this is the place we can celebrate with each other our greatest joys and successes, and it is the place we can bring our deepest fears, failures, and sorrows… and be cared for.
We are reminded in Philippians 4:6-9 that,
“6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”
This is what it means to belong to God, to live in that belonging. This peace of God, circle that in verses 7 and 9. It is an inner tranquility that is based on the reality that our sins are forgiven, that God is in the business of making us whole.
This week, I was given a gift. The gift is a beautiful clock that is made up of broken pieces that have been lovingly fitted with other broken pieces to create something beautiful, unique, and useful. My new clock reminds me of all the broken pieces and lives put back together by the love and grace of God… and because we belong, we can live lives of service and love to one another. It does not mean that there are no more storms or trials. It does not mean that we won’t mess us. It does mean that we are never alone. It is not just psychological jargon; it is an inner tranquility that can come from knowing that we belong to the God that created the universe. He is concerned about us, knows the number of hairs on our heads, knows what we need, and knows every detail of our life.
A number of years ago after the murder of Cindy Connelly her husband Phil wrote me a note that said “I know why God brought Cindy to Messiah, so that when she was gone I would have a place to belong.” In Phil’s deepest sorrow he realized that he needed a place where he could simply belong, that it was a place to begin, not to earn. So much of our faith is about loving one another, loving God, and bringing peace and justice into the world, into our community and into the lives of each other. It is so much easier to do this work when we have a place to come together to rest, reflect and reenergize ourselves.
Psychologists who study the theory of love and attachment tell us how much human beings need to belong with someone, to someone. It is how God wired us. We come into the world physically and emotionally dependent upon others for our very survival. As we grow up we tend to accept the delusion that to be a mature adult means we shed this dependency; that we become independent. It is true that it is important to learn how to move through the world on our own, but it would be a mistake to think that we stop relying on other people, especially for emotional support. The healthy life of belonging is to be dependent on God and interdependent with others.
A woman I know is raising two teenage kids by herself. She is now the sole provider for her family and has to make all those tough decisions that childrearing demands all by herself. At the end of her day she does not have someone with whom to discuss the best way to handle discipline issues, or worry along with her about the relationship choices her kids are making. Recently she admitted to me that she crawls into bed at night exhausted and depleted and sometimes feels helplessly alone. I just keep thinking that it is not supposed to be this way. I don’t think that people are equipped to raise children in isolation from the support of a community of some kind. It is just too much. She is afraid that if people knew her deep struggle they would turn away from her, she is embarrassed by her own need, and so she shuts out those who could remind her most clearly that she belongs.
We belong to each other. And we all know someone who is in pain, either in body or soul. So many people want to belong.
This is my hope for each of us: that we allow Messiah to become the place where everybody knows your name. Because here we belong to each other, here we realize and we remember who we are and whose we are. Here we can taste what it means to have life and have it abundantly, and to know that it is God’s deepest desire for us.
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I’m humbled and blessed to be a part of such a great community where God’s Holy Spirit is so alive. But this is just where I’ve been planted; where I feel called to live, love, share, worship, pray, and serve. How is your community? Are you just ‘church’, or are you a fellowship in Christ? Does everybody know YOUR name? More importantly… do you know THEIR name? Share your experience… good or bad, by posting a reply.
Your brother in Christ,
This week, I was given a gift. The gift is a beautiful clock that is made up of broken pieces that have been lovingly fitted with other broken pieces to create something beautiful, unique, and useful. My new clock reminds me of all the broken pieces and lives put back together by the love and grace of God… and because we belong, we can live lives of service and love to one another. It does not mean that there are no more storms or trials. It does not mean that we won’t mess us. It does mean that we are never alone. It is not just psychological jargon; it is an inner tranquility that can come from knowing that we belong to the God that created the universe. He is concerned about us, knows the number of hairs on our heads, knows what we need, and knows every detail of our life.A number of years ago after the murder of Cindy Connelly her husband Phil wrote me a note that said “I know why God brought Cindy to Messiah, so that when she was gone I would have a place to belong.” In Phil’s deepest sorrow he realized that he needed a place where he could simply belong, that it was a place to begin, not to earn. So much of our faith is about loving one another, loving God, and bringing peace and justice into the world, into our community and into the lives of each other. It is so much easier to do this work when we have a place to come together to rest, reflect and reenergize ourselves.
Psychologists who study the theory of love and attachment tell us how much human beings need to belong with someone, to someone. It is how God wired us. We come into the world physically and emotionally dependent upon others for our very survival. As we grow up we tend to accept the delusion that to be a mature adult means we shed this dependency; that we become independent. It is true that it is important to learn how to move through the world on our own, but it would be a mistake to think that we stop relying on other people, especially for emotional support. The healthy life of belonging is to be dependent on God and interdependent with others.
A woman I know is raising two teenage kids by herself. She is now the sole provider for her family and has to make all those tough decisions that childrearing demands all by herself. At the end of her day she does not have someone with whom to discuss the best way to handle discipline issues, or worry along with her about the relationship choices her kids are making. Recently she admitted to me that she crawls into bed at night exhausted and depleted and sometimes feels helplessly alone. I just keep thinking that it is not supposed to be this way. I don’t think that people are equipped to raise children in isolation from the support of a community of some kind. It is just too much. She is afraid that if people knew her deep struggle they would turn away from her, she is embarrassed by her own need, and so she shuts out those who could remind her most clearly that she belongs.
We belong to each other. And we all know someone who is in pain, either in body or soul. So many people want to belong.
This is my hope for each of us: that we allow Messiah to become the place where everybody knows your name. Because here we belong to each other, here we realize and we remember who we are and whose we are. Here we can taste what it means to have life and have it abundantly, and to know that it is God’s deepest desire for us.
********************
I’m humbled and blessed to be a part of such a great community where God’s Holy Spirit is so alive. But this is just where I’ve been planted; where I feel called to live, love, share, worship, pray, and serve. How is your community? Are you just ‘church’, or are you a fellowship in Christ? Does everybody know YOUR name? More importantly… do you know THEIR name? Share your experience… good or bad, by posting a reply.
Your brother in Christ,
Dave
Diehl and I moved often, attending many different churches along the way; both different denominations, and different styles within a single denomination. We always found somewhere to attend and be active. Sometimes we found out we were *theirs*, they accepted us and we belonged to them. Sometimes, especially one particular church, after years of being active, we knew we were *not theirs* and unfortunately had never been; they only liked us for what we could do for them.
ReplyDeleteAt our current church, the people did not wait to find out who we were, what we were like, where we worked and lived, how we dressed during the week, before they accepted us as *theirs*. Diehl described it as that we had moved home, having never lived here before nor had any previous ties or relatives here. It is an amazing experience to really be family.
Well put, Monica. After all is said and done, that should be one of the prayers of any church, congregation, or fellowship:
ReplyDelete“Dear, God… empower us with your loving spirit so that we may be a place that people not only ‘call’ home, but a place where they ‘feel at home’ as well.”
We all need a place we can be open about what hurts and know that we will be loved and supported. It is a risk to open up the heart because most people won't have our interests at heart. Home is where one is supposed to be able to. I know that although Diehl had known you, Dave, for many years, I had barely met you and talked to you only to say 'here's Diehl'. Yet, as a brother in Christ, you were so close to me when Diehl died and I needed a solidly grounded person to talk to who had known my beloved Diehl, to encourage me, and you did. And you reminded me how much God loves me. You treat me as family and that gives such strength. The Lord is so good to make us family.
ReplyDelete